Lovesick at Sixteen in Bethel Park

I come to an intersection that’s taken me most places growing up.

I think about how going left would take me to the boy who got in a car crash thinking about me and his girlfriend.

I can go straight to the boy who took my virginity and told me he loved me, but wasn’t in love with me like he was his girlfriend.

I can go right towards the boy who I never shared a good kiss with, but was my first boyfriend.

My younger self was put on roads and she thought she knew where she was going but along the way
the map flew out the window and
the fuel tank hit empty.

There’s one road I can’t drive on without thinking about how if I make a right I can drive past the house that I laid in, staring at a Sports Illustrated poster on the wall, waiting for it to be over.

I remember my mom was really concerned about how love sick I was at sixteen. Someone told her, “Don’t be worried because once she’s older she’ll know exactly what she wants.”

The confidence was admirable. Although, I did choose someone to share my life with who would be a friend and partner first before a lover. But, we never have to pick what comes first because somehow we get to have everything al at once.

Now, I don’t have to
be a secret
coerced into sex
have to have a pit in my stomach all day
decide to skip lunch
think about whether he is going to choose me or her

I have those fleeting thoughts, but I always come back to the now.

I don’t have to think. Now, I simply live.